Camper Documents

Records relating to the collapse of Portals Bermuda, the multiverse's premiere resort for the spiritually aware.

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A letter from the chief of security inside a manila folder:

Sir, our people in surveillance discovered this message last week. It took us a long time (too long) to decrypt it. This is just one of the messages, but there were several other signals we could not decode. We think they represent a credible threat to yourself and Portals as a whole. Someone is here trying to undermine us. This person isn’t alone. See for yourself. We should meet soon to plan a response to this threat.

Ben Dyson,

Chief of Security, Portals Bermuda


An intercepted message inside a manila folder.

From: Charter Scout

Reporting from: Saint Malibados> Portals Bermuda> Lucius Selig Anomaly

I’m going to assign more of our people to Portals Bermuda. This is such a mess. It’s bad enough that Selig is straining space-time by creating new dimensions in the first place, but what happened here is shocking even to me.

Selig needs to be put in his place; his ego is unforgivable. He has the powers of a god and how does he use them? To make a cheap resort accessible to anyone with a platinum credit card and no sense of shame. Selig has no idea what he’s messing around with. The very foundations of reality are structurally unsound here. This place is jerry-rigged to the point that the slightest disturbance will cause it to collapse into a universe-shattering paradox.

It’s so bad that I’m afraid to sneeze here, let alone activate most of our equipment.

Here’s the situation with Portals Bermuda as we understand it: Selig has travel agents on Earth who book vacation packages with tourists. These tourists are mostly followers of his “Power of Positive Mechanics” cult. They consider a trip here to be a kind of holy pilgrimage.

The tourists travel to Portals Bermuda through a wormhole located somewhere on Earth. We haven’t found this access point yet. Selig is being very cautious, almost paranoid, about his business. This is understandable, given his family’s history with us.

Portals Bermuda exists as a hub dimension, like a visitors center. There are other dimensions branching off that lead to realities Selig feels are of significant spiritual importance. We’ve heard the term “Spirit Home” being thrown around a lot here.

One of these dimensions, Saint Malibados, is especially concerning to us. Selig constructed most of the other Portals locations out of “whole cloth,” so to speak. They didn’t exist, and then Selig willed them into existence. But in the case of Malibados it looks he like he borrowed (read: stole) pieces of his home reality to build this one. We found this in his PR materials:

"Saint Malibados

"Why go to one beach when you can go to ten? We combined the most stunning features of the galaxy’s top-voted beaches to create St. Malibados.

"Relax on sparkling white beaches, snorkel in Technicolor seas and marvel at the plasma show following the spectacular twin sunset.

"Some people call it paradise, but we know it as St. Malibados."

We wondered what he meant by that, so we started comparing features of Saint Malibados to other beaches in our records. None of the beaches here bear any resemblance to the beaches on Earth, meaning Selig was copying other beaches in the universe.

Only he didn’t copy them, he took them. He stole ten tropical beaches out of our universe and stitched them together to create Saint Malibados. There are gaping voids in reality where our beaches once were. What he did— it’s grotesque, it’s extremely dangerous and it’s copyright infringement.

In light of this information, the line about the “twin sunsets” sounds even more alarming. Is Lucius Selig brazen enough to snatch two stars out of our universe and use them for his resort? I believe he is.

The hubris is sickening. I walk on these beaches, knowing what I know, and I see armies of tourists from god knows where or when drinking cheap beer and listening to Jimmy Buffet cover bands. I see a child cry as he drops an overpriced ice cream cone into the sand. People are letting their pets defecate on pristine beaches that had never been touched by a living creature before. The seagulls here are monstrous things, bloated and engorged from eating the trash left on a waterfront the size of a small continent. I was trying to take samples of the atmosphere yesterday and some jerk kept kicking sand in my face.

Selig must answer for this. I cannot wait to get my hands on him. I’m going to make him watch while we erase this abomination from existence.

Expect my next update tomorrow.


From Christian Garcia

Acolyte to Master Lucius Selig and Program Director, Portals Bermuda

From: Christian Garcia

Subject: Notes for Personal Assistants to Master Lucius Selig

Congratulations on your appointment as an assistant to Master Lucius Selig! For the time being you’ll be working within close proximity to the most powerful being in the multiverse. It is one of the highest honors within the Power of Positive Mechanics church to be selected for this temporary assignment.

You must be very excited, but we insist that you keep this news a secret for security reasons. There are people out there, forces who embody powerful Negative Thought Patterns. These people are trying to undermine Master Lucius’ divine work. Our teacher is in constant danger. If we suspect that you told anyone of this assignment, we will immediately terminate your employment with Portals Bermuda and recommend that you attend realignment therapy. If anyone asks why you are not at your normal post in Portals, you are to tell them that you are attending a training seminar.

You must report to Master Lucius’ office by 8 a.m. every morning. For security reasons this office moves to a different dimension each day. In the next few days I will give you a document called a “one-time encryption pad.” An “OTEP” is a secret code, a cipher key that only works on certain days. By using this key against a code we broadcast over Portals Bermuda Radio you can learn the coordinates of Master Lucius’ office. Enter these coordinates into the wormhole computer to be transported there. Make sure that you are not followed. Carelessness will result in immediate termination and we will recommend that you attend realignment therapy.

The Master’s office is a small trailer. Do not be fooled its humble appearance! This is one of the holiest places in the multiverse. You are not to enter the trailer. Failure to obey this rule will result in your immediate termination and we will recommend that you attend realignment therapy.

You will likely not see Master Lucius for the duration of the assignment. This does not mean that Master Lucius does not appreciate your service. He is extremely cautious about his safety in light of the recent threats against him. Should you see Master Lucius in person, however, you are to speak only when spoken to. Failure to do so will result in immediate termination and we will recommend that you attend realignment therapy.

It is more likely that Master Lucius will communicate with you through handwritten notes slipped under his office door. You are to respond to any of his requests immediately. You are to burn these notes upon reading them. Failure to do so, to save them as a “souvenir” of your assignment will be grounds for immediate termination and we will recommend that you attend realignment therapy.

Your shift will end at 7 p.m. each evening. Before you leave you will leave two unopened bottles of beer from the mini-fridge on a tray in front of Master Lucius’ door along with the covered and sealed dinner provided by Our Teacher’s personal chef. Tampering with this food in any way will be grounds for your termination and we will recommend that you attend realignment therapy.

Our Teacher’s safety and peace of mind is your utmost concern. Please report any suspicious behavior among the guests or staff directly to myself or to the head of security.

I look forward to working with you in the future. Power On, young intern!

Christian Garcia,

Acolyte to Master Lucius and Program Director, Portals Bermuda

“As the Acolyte serves The Master, so Positive Mechanics serves Humankind.” — Master Lucius Selig


From Christian Garcia

Acolyte to Master Lucius Selig and Program Director, Portals Bermuda


I have to speak up: You can’t hide in your trailer forever, Lucius. I miss you. It’s been weeks since we went out for dinner or even took a walk together.

But don’t come out for my sake. The staff, the guests, they all know something is wrong. They hear rumors about you, and they’re not good. You haven’t been helping with your constant flood of paranoid, ranting memos. Your security team is turning Portals into a police state. Who would pay to come here? Your followers are worried you’re losing it. We need to prove— now— that you’re of sound mind or people will start to leave us.

I don’t know who put the idea of The Charter in your head. I’ve never seen someone from the Charter. I have no idea who you’re talking about. There are no enemies here, Lucius, just friends and loved ones who are worried about you.

Come out. Just this once. Please. I scheduled a book signing for us back at the usual place. There are some investors there who would like to meet you. They’re excited to learn more about Portals. If you think we’re making bank now, just wait! If these two are legit we’ll be set for several lifetimes.

It’s this Saturday. Please agree to it. I know you’ll knock ‘em dead.

Love you!

— C.

“As the Acolyte serves The Master, so Positive Mechanics serves Humankind.” — Master Lucius Selig


From: Charter Scout

Reporting from: The Desert> Portals Bermuda> Lucius Selig Anomaly

It took many months of work, but we’ve found Selig. As I dictate this memo I am watching him through the window of the trailer that doubles as his office in Portals Bermuda.

We’ve heard rumors that Lucius is getting increasingly paranoid, but you have to see it to believe it. I haven’t seen him leave that cramped trailer once since I tracked him here two weeks ago. I can’t imagine what it must smell like in there.

Selig knows we’re here. He moves every day in an attempt to throw us off his trail. The trailer and this patch of desert will be wiped from this dimension tonight and will appear in a different dimension by morning. It’s extremely clever for Selig, but lucky for us we have a man on the inside who gives us the coordinates each day.

Christian Garcia, Lucius’ assistant and boyfriend, is helping us. Garcia has seen how unbalanced Selig has become and he fears what will happen if it goes unchecked. Lucius won’t see anyone face- to-face. He communicates with Garcia alone and then only in handwritten memos slipped under the door to his trailer. Lucius has tightened security to the point that Portals is turning into a prison camp. People who displease the “Master” are sent to mine for Lucian crystals deep in the caves of Murok-Inoo.

Garcia realized what the rest of us knew all along: Lucius is running a cult. But now the guru is burning out. This is the end. He’s about to do something crazy and Garcia knows it. He wants to help us put a stop to Lucius before this scenario reaches its inevitable conclusion.

We dare not kick in the door to his trailer and confront him that way. Portals exists on Lucius’ whim. He built it. He maintains it. He could whistle and send one half of this place crashing into the other.

We have backup plan, something we cooked up with Garcia in exchange for his protection. Garcia will encourage Lucius to make a personal appearance in front of a crowd of his followers. Two of our agents will be planted in the crowd. Posing as two of his followers, the agents will seek a private audience with him.

Lucius must think the Charter operates like aliens in a bad sci fi movie, like we’ll try shooting him with a laser pistol. No, these two agents of ours will be close enough to hit Lucius with a powerful psychic attack. He’ll never see that coming. We’ll incapacitate him so he has no time to react. Portals will remain safely intact, then we’ll install some blocks in Lucius’ mind that will prevent him from returning here ever again.

Nasty thing to do to a person, but it’s better than the alternative. Garcia starts his work in the morning.



Known Person(s)/Entities

Lucius Selig


The Charter


Christian Garcia